Monthly Archives: January 2014

Steel and Gold

You once said that you admired my strength;
My unyielding resilience.
With downcast eyes you murmured:
“I wish I could be more like you.”
I felt like a fraud, an imposter.
You probably never would have guessed the words that stuck in my throat.

I wanted to tell you:
“The random luck of the universe saw fit to forge my soul
over and over until it became steel.”
I wanted to tell you:
“My will is a sword I use for protection.”
I wanted to tell you:
“No, you do not want to be like me,
I was created out of furnaces and hammers and water.”
I wanted to make you understand.

Because,
You have always been Gold.
Inherently valuable, immensely gorgeous,
and useful for so many things.
I admired the effortless way you made the world around you a better place;
your lustrous essence.

You told people:
“Giving to charity is the closest we can get to being with God on this earth.”
You loved unconditionally.
You told people:
“You can always call me, no matter what. I will always be there for you.”
You gave selflessly.
You told people:
“I just want to make everyone happy.”
Gold gives beauty into this world with no demands.

I wanted you to see yourself through my eyes
I wanted to tell you how much you mean to this world.
I wanted to tell you:
“I admire you so much, I love you, I love you.”

So much I should have said,
can’t ever tell you now.
Just, know this:
With all the strength in me,
I will always love you.

“I hate being a grown up”

Sometimes I feel like I did the early to mid-twenties backwards. Most of my college graduate friends are mourning their lost college days and freaking out over TAXES?!?! WHAT IS THE NUMERICAL SORCERY??? PAYING UTILITIES ON TIME?!!  FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY?? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW EATING DONUTS FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT WOULD DESTORY MY BODY?? I CAN’T COOK LOL.

This is all stuff I had to figure out at nineteen. It boggles my mind that there are people in their late twenties going through these growing pains.

After high school, while most of my friends were out getting fancy degrees, I got a nine to five desk job. For six years I lived on my own as a fine upstanding tax paying citizen. I had to teach myself what interest rates are, and why moving into the super cheap ghetto-fabulous apartments may end up being more expensive than you think.

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I spent a summer with a hole in the ceiling over my bed that dripped water. The landlord refused to compensate my ruined mattress and tried to charge me for the ruined carpet.

The first time I had to write a check I avoided it until the last minute until I meekly had to ask my roommate how it was done.

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Under Memo I wrote “This is money.”

I’m 26 years old and I just started working towards transferring to get my bachelor’s. Six page essays fill me with the same type of terror my highly educated friends save for having to go to the DMV to renew their license.

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On second thought, this place inspires a fear that no one can grow out of.

Lately I’ve been feeling sort of nostalgic for my working days. It was just so much easier. Yeah, I hated my work and it left me deeply unsatisfied, but it was easy and it paid the bills. And at least with work you are never expected to bring any of it home. I don’t have that kind of luxury anymore.

Learning humility

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One of the (many) reasons I love my campus is because they encourage clubs to do fun and exciting events or giveaways to gain attention/more members. I practically ran (awkwardly, in heels!) towards these people when I saw that they had Klondike bars!

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Yes, it’s January but, let’s be real, this is also Southern California. Cold ice cream was needed.

They told me that I would have to sit through one of their meetings to get their delicious ice cream bar.

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What would I do for a Klondike bar? Apparently blasphemy.

The club was a Christian group and their theme today was on humility which struck a chord with me. You see, I have this internal struggle with being humble. I have a deep admiration for humble people, and I am also insanely envious of them because I am a vain, prideful person. I wish I could be more humble but I don’t like the idea of not being prideful. CONFUSED? SO AM I!

I think it might come from having so many struggles and setbacks in my life and having only myself to rely on, but I am fiercely proud of all my accomplishments. I never felt a presence of “God” during my difficult times, and I feel cheated when people give him all the credit for all my hard work. Hello? I had a hand during all those events!

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If all the pain I had to endure during my difficult times was with the assistance of you “carrying me” I am not impressed by your strength.

My vanity comes from being ugly most of my childhood and early teenage years.

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Apparently I was the ugliest ugly that has ever uglied.

I was bullied and picked on (one kid from middle school massaged dirt into my scalp during PE while my classmates laughed and I bit my cheek until I tasted blood to prevent the tears from rolling down my face. Another day the most popular kid in class came up to me and asked me out in front of his friends only to laugh and say “NOT! Yeah right, who would ever want to date *you*?? You’re garbage.” I like to think of my childhood as earning a Master’s degree in learning not to cry due to emotional pain.) but much like the ugly duckling, puberty was very kind to me.

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Just look at that swan-like transformation!

I am more comfortable in my own body, and I like the way I look. I love my height, my long limbs, my big brown eyes and my short hair. I love wearing clothes and jewelry that emphasizes the things I love about my body, and I like it when people tell me I look good.

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My spirit animal

That’s all well and good, but listening to the Christian lecture on humility gave me some serious twinges of guilt. I know I could stand to be more humble and less vain, I just don’t know how to not be proud of everything I have done. I don’t know how to be happy without expressing myself in the loud and vibrant way that I do. I love my brightly colorful clothes, my sparkly jewelry and being in the spotlight.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I don’t know how to be the type of person I want to become without losing the parts of me that make me happy. 

Steak dinners and Griffins

So, this is kind of awkward, I want to write and talk about my life and have people read about it but I have no idea what to say! Ah! What will you guys think is interesting about me? This is like an interview and a first date all rolled up into one agonizing paragraph!

So, howdy. My name is Milly Maxwell and I’m a 26 year old female in school for physical therapy.  Since I like analogies, I like to think of my work experience as a nice dinner, with the meat of the meal being my data entry work (6 years! That’s nothing to shake a stick at, right?), served with the mashed potatoes of my months spent in accounting/USPS, green beans of farm hand/feed store clerk, and hot delicious rolls of many Christmases spent in some seasonal retail position.

I’m literally hungry for work
I’m literally hungry for work!

I feel like I’m writing a cover letter. Maybe that’s because for the past couple of years I’ve been job searching non-stop, so cover letters and resumes kind of flow out of my fingertips whenever I’m forced to write about myself. YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW HOW MANY PROFESSIONAL AWARDS I HAVE WON? MY COMMUNITY SERVICE HISTORY?? WHY I FEEL WHY I’M QUALIFIED FOR THE POSITION, ANY POSITION, IT DOESN’T MATTER? I TOTES HAVE ALL OF THAT INFO MEMORIZED!

Things are a bit different for me now. Being a student means that I don’t have to live crushed under the burden of being Unemployed. I’m going to school and getting great grades and I can see a shining future ahead of me! Yeah! It’s awesome, but a part of me lives in fear that this is all just a dream and I will soon have to start applying 8 hours a day to meaningless soul crushing jobs that odds are, won’t even look at my application.

Being a student also allows me to express myself however I want.

It’s not just a phase, mom. This is who I really am!
It’s not just a phase, mom. This is who I really am!

So, that’s me in a nutshell. Hopefully I’ll stick to one of my New Years Resolutions and you guys can watch me get more in shape!