Monthly Archives: April 2014

Love the skin you’re in

When I was younger I used to think that you worked for me, and that I called all the shots. I used to call you my little bitch, and I meant it. I worked you mercilessly, with little nourishment, and even less gratitude.

One hot summer afternoon in high school I wanted all the weeds pulled so that I could get paid and start saving up to move out. I remember the heat, the way it felt in out lungs and how much the tears in my eyes stung. I refused to take a break. I refused to stop working, no matter what. My vision got blurry and I started dry heaving and I still refused to let you rest. “I have to do this I have to do this I have to do this” was the only mantra in my head; it drowned out all the pain. When I woke up and realized that you passed out from heat exhaustion I got so angry at you for failing me.

I hope that you can forgive me; I didn’t appreciate the nature of our interwoven relationship and I was doing the best that I could. I hope you understand I didn’t abuse you for the fun of it. I. Well. You know why I had to. I am sorry.

(And I’m sorry that I put us through that again yesterday. I should have known the signs. I’m just so focused and dedicated… and stubborn. I will literally work myself to death if my ambition overrides my common sense.)

I want to thank you for everything you have done for me; I know it hasn’t been easy with me being the one who is able to make the decisions for us. You have provided me with more than I could ever ask for.

My strong skeleton that provides the framework and protection of everything that I am; the marrow of which makes the cells of my blood which flows throughout my body providing nutrients, oxygen and protection against infectious diseases and foreign materials. Thank you for saving my life, and for healing properly allowing me to have a full recovery. I don’t think I would have healed as quickly emotionally if I hadn’t been able to walk again.

My muscles that enable me to push push push and never take no for an answer. Thank you for always being able to bulk up and adapt to whatever stresses I put on you. As frustrating as all your individual names are to learn, I am grateful for each and every one of you for doing as I command, when I command it.

My internal organs for quietly providing all of their functions. My brain for providing me with… me. My external organ (skin) for providing protection.

I am grateful for my health and ability to work as hard as I demand my body. My anatomy class has made me realize how many people aren’t as fortunate to have a fully functional adult body. I am so lucky to have my obedient, strong body. I am in love with every cell that makes up who I am.

It’s been awhile

Don’t look at me that way; I know I’ve been slacking on this blog. The reason? I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety and stress lately. Lately it feels like there’s always something going wrong in my life and I can’t keep my head above water. If I’m getting good grades, it means I’m neglecting my chores and my family is mad at me. If I somehow manage to balance all my chores, finances, school work and garden then I’m neglecting my boyfriend and friends and snapping at them for my own lack of communication.

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I swear to God if one more person tells me that I “just can’t handle life” I’m going to stab them with my barbed soul.

I know I don’t talk about it often (on this blog or in real life) but I’m also dealing with PTSD. I had a dream about my cousin last night and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I had this fear that I was going to open them and be in the car, unable to remember my name. In the dream my cousin survived and I was the one who was killed. She had a baby with her husband and named it after me. Marissa (Mary) Ann. I don’t feel like I can accurately describe how this dream made me feel, so I won’t try.

Her being dead doesn’t lessen my love for her, or what she meant to me. I’m happy that I’m not in that suicidal mind set anymore. I know she wouldn’t want me to stop moving forward, so I will always keep pushing towards my goals. But I miss her so much. I just want to call her and hear her laugh. What good is all this technology is we can’t contact our dead relatives to say goodbye?

I have so much homework I should be doing, and honestly I wanted to write about this awesome vacation I just went on with my close friend to Portland, OR. I’ll try to write about that next time. Today I just feel like getting all of this out of me and trying to work on my math homework. And my Anatomy homework. And my English essay.