I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been thinking about time and how differently it feels now that I’m getting closer to 30. I never understood what adults meant when they said boring things like “time has caught up with me” but now I feel it. It feels like I spent my youth outrunning time, somehow staying just out of its reach and now I am very aware of how fast it moves. Years feels like months, months feel like weeks. It feels like I hardly have time to make dinner before the day is over.
I’m getting older.
There are clothes I can no longer wear because they aren’t age appropriate. People don’t think it’s so cute anymore when I wear glitter as eye shadow. I get annoyed when I feel like people in my age group are making bad life choices. Like, really, you should know better by now…
I feel older.
The things I want out of my 30’s are different than what I wanted out of my early/mid 20’s. Back then I just wanted to be happy. I thought that if I pushed hard enough happiness would be my reward. I found out the hard way that there are people who take advantage of that mindset. Yes, they will encourage you but only to suit their needs, with happiness as the carrot they dangle in front of you to just work harder. One day it will happen, they tell you, you just have to work harder and not question how all your hard work is giving them what they want while it just leaves you exhausted. It’s good to have insight about the goals of the past, but what do I want out of my 30’s?
I want my life to be my own.
Of course I still want happiness and friendships and love, but above everything else, I want the freedom to make my own choices. I’m terrified of making the wrong choices, as I’m sure I’m sure everyone is, but I want to be able to look back on my life and feel proud of what I have accomplished.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past 5 years. I have been through a lot of heartache and death. I don’t want these traumatic experiences to chain me to the past. I want a better future for myself.
I want to prove to myself that no one has the power to make me feel like I’m worthless.
I want to make my life something that my cousin would have been proud of.
I want closure. I want acceptance.
People say that time heals all wounds, but it really doesn’t. All it does is round out the sharp jagged edges, but that pain is something you always carry with you. Death, heartache, betrayal, these are barbs in your soul that feel impossible to remove. I don’t know how to move on yet, but I’m still trying. I want my life to be my own. I need to stop letting my past have so much influence on me.

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