Tag Archives: anxiety

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been thinking about time and how differently it feels now that I’m getting closer to 30. I never understood what adults meant when they said boring things like “time has caught up with me” but now I feel it. It feels like I spent my youth outrunning time, somehow staying just out of its reach and now I am very aware of how fast it moves. Years feels like months, months feel like weeks. It feels like I hardly have time to make dinner before the day is over.
I’m getting older.
There are clothes I can no longer wear because they aren’t age appropriate. People don’t think it’s so cute anymore when I wear glitter as eye shadow. I get annoyed when I feel like people in my age group are making bad life choices. Like, really, you should know better by now…
I feel older.
The things I want out of my 30’s are different than what I wanted out of my early/mid 20’s. Back then I just wanted to be happy. I thought that if I pushed hard enough happiness would be my reward. I found out the hard way that there are people who take advantage of that mindset. Yes, they will encourage you but only to suit their needs, with happiness as the carrot they dangle in front of you to just work harder. One day it will happen, they tell you, you just have to work harder and not question how all your hard work is giving them what they want while it just leaves you exhausted. It’s good to have insight about the goals of the past, but what do I want out of my 30’s?
I want my life to be my own.
Of course I still want happiness and friendships and love, but above everything else, I want the freedom to make my own choices. I’m terrified of making the wrong choices, as I’m sure I’m sure everyone is, but I want to be able to look back on my life and feel proud of what I have accomplished.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past 5 years. I have been through a lot of heartache and death. I don’t want these traumatic experiences to chain me to the past. I want a better future for myself.
I want to prove to myself that no one has the power to make me feel like I’m worthless.
I want to make my life something that my cousin would have been proud of.
I want closure. I want acceptance.
People say that time heals all wounds, but it really doesn’t. All it does is round out the sharp jagged edges, but that pain is something you always carry with you. Death, heartache, betrayal, these are barbs in your soul that feel impossible to remove. I don’t know how to move on yet, but I’m still trying. I want my life to be my own. I need to stop letting my past have so much influence on me.


Morning thoughts

You know that feeling you get when you write a word over and over again until it starts to look like it’s spelled incorrectly? Blue blue blue blue blue blueblueblue. Blue. Maybe it’s that same principle of focusing too hard on one thing until it looks wrong, but I woke up and felt like my life has turned blue. Blue blue. Shouldn’t there be a w in there or something?

Mostly I’m ok. It’s just that sometimes I get up in the morning and have to remind myself of my life. For some reason, it still hasn’t sunk in that yeah, I’m a student and studying is my new socializing and I panic over my GPA with the same intensity that I used to save for moving or not having enough money to pay the electric bill. For those sleepy not-quite-awake-yet moments in the morning I could be anywhere. I could be any version of myself. I can be living with my ballet instructor in the fancy too expensive apartments that I couldn’t really afford but pretended that I could. (They came with a washer and dryer in the unit, thank you very much). I could be living with that weird guy in that beautiful house. (I liked that version of me a lot; I had blonde hair with pink bangs and felt all the power of being young and beautiful) I try not to think of the other places I could be, those other versions of myself that come out when I needed them to. That kind of thinking will break your heart, and I refuse to have a mental breakdown without a cup of coffee in me first.

So, who am I now? What version of me is there when I can feel myself slipping back into the role of my current life? I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever known while I’m in the moment. It’s always looking back that I’m able to identify what kind of person I had to become. What role I had to fill. I don’t like feeling like I’m passively moving on a river that I can’t control, just adapting to whatever comes my way. I don’t feel like that’s the way life should be lived. I don’t know how to be more in control of myself, but I figured I can try and fail and try some more.

Let’s see what my brain comes up with when I ask it “who am I?”

I feel like overall I’m a better human being than I have ever been so far in my life. I’m more intelligent, or at least I have a better attitude about learning. I’m more compassionate and open minded…sort of. I feel like I’ve become more open minded to individuals and their circumstances, but more closed minded towards groups of people***. I’m more solitary and lonely and I hate it but I just have a harder time trusting people to not hurt me. It takes a while, but I will warm up to you, I promise. On the same note, I’m more paranoid of people’s motives and I hate that I’m constantly looking through the lens of “how could this be used to hurt me. Should I trust this person to help me? What’s my plan B if things go south? Can I leave and not get hurt?” I miss that version of myself who didn’t really care if she got hurt, she just wanted to have fun with people and make others happy.

Sidewalks have always just bothered me, so I walk on the edge of sidewalks, usually on the grass. I’ve had this fantasy of being able to afford to get a ton of mixed flowers and just handing them out to people with a smile. I want to make people happy. I know how difficult life can be, and if I can make someone smile during a difficult time, just ease the pain for a couple of minutes… it would be so worth it. Someone out there cares, someone always cares. People have told me it’s unrealistic, you can’t always be happy and try to make others happy. Maybe not, but I can always try. I can always smile at people and compliment them on something. I can’t afford flowers but I can smile and tell a guy with a frown on his face “Hey! I like your shoes, they look awesome! I hope you have a great day!”

I’ve never told anyone this before, but it feels like there has always been this small compass inside of me that takes over when I’m under too much stress. It takes away my emotional pain and tells me what path to take and I obey without question. It’s nice to have that, but at the same time I don’t like that whenever I try to question it, I get flooded with anxiety and panic. I suppose that’s me going into some type of shock and acting on my instincts. This compass has helped me in the past, but I want to get to a place where I can handle my own life without shutting down and letting my instincts take control.

I feel like I’m so much older than 27. I have a hard time relating to people my own age because I find that I don’t want distractions from my life anymore. I want to learn and grow and challenge myself to become a better person. I can’t change the things that have happened to me, but I can learn how to stop living just to adapt to the awful things life can throw at me and start really being in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions.

***There is some truth in that the older you get the more conservative you become. I think it has to do with having more experience and perception on ideas of topics that you previously didn’t have. It’s easy to side 100% with a group when you are younger; after all, you haven’t seen the hypocrisy and what horrible things people can justify in the name of social justice. This is why I try not to side with any group these days.

It’s been awhile

Don’t look at me that way; I know I’ve been slacking on this blog. The reason? I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety and stress lately. Lately it feels like there’s always something going wrong in my life and I can’t keep my head above water. If I’m getting good grades, it means I’m neglecting my chores and my family is mad at me. If I somehow manage to balance all my chores, finances, school work and garden then I’m neglecting my boyfriend and friends and snapping at them for my own lack of communication.

I swear to God if one more person tells me that I “just can’t handle life” I’m going to stab them with my barbed soul.

I know I don’t talk about it often (on this blog or in real life) but I’m also dealing with PTSD. I had a dream about my cousin last night and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I had this fear that I was going to open them and be in the car, unable to remember my name. In the dream my cousin survived and I was the one who was killed. She had a baby with her husband and named it after me. Marissa (Mary) Ann. I don’t feel like I can accurately describe how this dream made me feel, so I won’t try.

Her being dead doesn’t lessen my love for her, or what she meant to me. I’m happy that I’m not in that suicidal mind set anymore. I know she wouldn’t want me to stop moving forward, so I will always keep pushing towards my goals. But I miss her so much. I just want to call her and hear her laugh. What good is all this technology is we can’t contact our dead relatives to say goodbye?

I have so much homework I should be doing, and honestly I wanted to write about this awesome vacation I just went on with my close friend to Portland, OR. I’ll try to write about that next time. Today I just feel like getting all of this out of me and trying to work on my math homework. And my Anatomy homework. And my English essay.