Tag Archives: death

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been thinking about time and how differently it feels now that I’m getting closer to 30. I never understood what adults meant when they said boring things like “time has caught up with me” but now I feel it. It feels like I spent my youth outrunning time, somehow staying just out of its reach and now I am very aware of how fast it moves. Years feels like months, months feel like weeks. It feels like I hardly have time to make dinner before the day is over.
I’m getting older.
There are clothes I can no longer wear because they aren’t age appropriate. People don’t think it’s so cute anymore when I wear glitter as eye shadow. I get annoyed when I feel like people in my age group are making bad life choices. Like, really, you should know better by now…
I feel older.
The things I want out of my 30’s are different than what I wanted out of my early/mid 20’s. Back then I just wanted to be happy. I thought that if I pushed hard enough happiness would be my reward. I found out the hard way that there are people who take advantage of that mindset. Yes, they will encourage you but only to suit their needs, with happiness as the carrot they dangle in front of you to just work harder. One day it will happen, they tell you, you just have to work harder and not question how all your hard work is giving them what they want while it just leaves you exhausted. It’s good to have insight about the goals of the past, but what do I want out of my 30’s?
I want my life to be my own.
Of course I still want happiness and friendships and love, but above everything else, I want the freedom to make my own choices. I’m terrified of making the wrong choices, as I’m sure I’m sure everyone is, but I want to be able to look back on my life and feel proud of what I have accomplished.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past 5 years. I have been through a lot of heartache and death. I don’t want these traumatic experiences to chain me to the past. I want a better future for myself.
I want to prove to myself that no one has the power to make me feel like I’m worthless.
I want to make my life something that my cousin would have been proud of.
I want closure. I want acceptance.
People say that time heals all wounds, but it really doesn’t. All it does is round out the sharp jagged edges, but that pain is something you always carry with you. Death, heartache, betrayal, these are barbs in your soul that feel impossible to remove. I don’t know how to move on yet, but I’m still trying. I want my life to be my own. I need to stop letting my past have so much influence on me.

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It’s been awhile

Don’t look at me that way; I know I’ve been slacking on this blog. The reason? I’ve been dealing with a ton of anxiety and stress lately. Lately it feels like there’s always something going wrong in my life and I can’t keep my head above water. If I’m getting good grades, it means I’m neglecting my chores and my family is mad at me. If I somehow manage to balance all my chores, finances, school work and garden then I’m neglecting my boyfriend and friends and snapping at them for my own lack of communication.

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I swear to God if one more person tells me that I “just can’t handle life” I’m going to stab them with my barbed soul.

I know I don’t talk about it often (on this blog or in real life) but I’m also dealing with PTSD. I had a dream about my cousin last night and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes I had this fear that I was going to open them and be in the car, unable to remember my name. In the dream my cousin survived and I was the one who was killed. She had a baby with her husband and named it after me. Marissa (Mary) Ann. I don’t feel like I can accurately describe how this dream made me feel, so I won’t try.

Her being dead doesn’t lessen my love for her, or what she meant to me. I’m happy that I’m not in that suicidal mind set anymore. I know she wouldn’t want me to stop moving forward, so I will always keep pushing towards my goals. But I miss her so much. I just want to call her and hear her laugh. What good is all this technology is we can’t contact our dead relatives to say goodbye?

I have so much homework I should be doing, and honestly I wanted to write about this awesome vacation I just went on with my close friend to Portland, OR. I’ll try to write about that next time. Today I just feel like getting all of this out of me and trying to work on my math homework. And my Anatomy homework. And my English essay.

Steel and Gold

You once said that you admired my strength;
My unyielding resilience.
With downcast eyes you murmured:
“I wish I could be more like you.”
I felt like a fraud, an imposter.
You probably never would have guessed the words that stuck in my throat.

I wanted to tell you:
“The random luck of the universe saw fit to forge my soul
over and over until it became steel.”
I wanted to tell you:
“My will is a sword I use for protection.”
I wanted to tell you:
“No, you do not want to be like me,
I was created out of furnaces and hammers and water.”
I wanted to make you understand.

Because,
You have always been Gold.
Inherently valuable, immensely gorgeous,
and useful for so many things.
I admired the effortless way you made the world around you a better place;
your lustrous essence.

You told people:
“Giving to charity is the closest we can get to being with God on this earth.”
You loved unconditionally.
You told people:
“You can always call me, no matter what. I will always be there for you.”
You gave selflessly.
You told people:
“I just want to make everyone happy.”
Gold gives beauty into this world with no demands.

I wanted you to see yourself through my eyes
I wanted to tell you how much you mean to this world.
I wanted to tell you:
“I admire you so much, I love you, I love you.”

So much I should have said,
can’t ever tell you now.
Just, know this:
With all the strength in me,
I will always love you.