Tag Archives: thoughts

“I hate being a grown up”

Sometimes I feel like I did the early to mid-twenties backwards. Most of my college graduate friends are mourning their lost college days and freaking out over TAXES?!?! WHAT IS THE NUMERICAL SORCERY??? PAYING UTILITIES ON TIME?!!  FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY?? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW EATING DONUTS FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT WOULD DESTORY MY BODY?? I CAN’T COOK LOL.

This is all stuff I had to figure out at nineteen. It boggles my mind that there are people in their late twenties going through these growing pains.

After high school, while most of my friends were out getting fancy degrees, I got a nine to five desk job. For six years I lived on my own as a fine upstanding tax paying citizen. I had to teach myself what interest rates are, and why moving into the super cheap ghetto-fabulous apartments may end up being more expensive than you think.

I spent a summer with a hole in the ceiling over my bed that dripped water. The landlord refused to compensate my ruined mattress and tried to charge me for the ruined carpet.

The first time I had to write a check I avoided it until the last minute until I meekly had to ask my roommate how it was done.

Under Memo I wrote “This is money.”

I’m 26 years old and I just started working towards transferring to get my bachelor’s. Six page essays fill me with the same type of terror my highly educated friends save for having to go to the DMV to renew their license.

On second thought, this place inspires a fear that no one can grow out of.

Lately I’ve been feeling sort of nostalgic for my working days. It was just so much easier. Yeah, I hated my work and it left me deeply unsatisfied, but it was easy and it paid the bills. And at least with work you are never expected to bring any of it home. I don’t have that kind of luxury anymore.


Learning humility


One of the (many) reasons I love my campus is because they encourage clubs to do fun and exciting events or giveaways to gain attention/more members. I practically ran (awkwardly, in heels!) towards these people when I saw that they had Klondike bars!

Yes, it’s January but, let’s be real, this is also Southern California. Cold ice cream was needed.

They told me that I would have to sit through one of their meetings to get their delicious ice cream bar.

What would I do for a Klondike bar? Apparently blasphemy.

The club was a Christian group and their theme today was on humility which struck a chord with me. You see, I have this internal struggle with being humble. I have a deep admiration for humble people, and I am also insanely envious of them because I am a vain, prideful person. I wish I could be more humble but I don’t like the idea of not being prideful. CONFUSED? SO AM I!

I think it might come from having so many struggles and setbacks in my life and having only myself to rely on, but I am fiercely proud of all my accomplishments. I never felt a presence of “God” during my difficult times, and I feel cheated when people give him all the credit for all my hard work. Hello? I had a hand during all those events!

If all the pain I had to endure during my difficult times was with the assistance of you “carrying me” I am not impressed by your strength.

My vanity comes from being ugly most of my childhood and early teenage years.

Apparently I was the ugliest ugly that has ever uglied.

I was bullied and picked on (one kid from middle school massaged dirt into my scalp during PE while my classmates laughed and I bit my cheek until I tasted blood to prevent the tears from rolling down my face. Another day the most popular kid in class came up to me and asked me out in front of his friends only to laugh and say “NOT! Yeah right, who would ever want to date *you*?? You’re garbage.” I like to think of my childhood as earning a Master’s degree in learning not to cry due to emotional pain.) but much like the ugly duckling, puberty was very kind to me.

Just look at that swan-like transformation!

I am more comfortable in my own body, and I like the way I look. I love my height, my long limbs, my big brown eyes and my short hair. I love wearing clothes and jewelry that emphasizes the things I love about my body, and I like it when people tell me I look good.

My spirit animal

That’s all well and good, but listening to the Christian lecture on humility gave me some serious twinges of guilt. I know I could stand to be more humble and less vain, I just don’t know how to not be proud of everything I have done. I don’t know how to be happy without expressing myself in the loud and vibrant way that I do. I love my brightly colorful clothes, my sparkly jewelry and being in the spotlight.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I don’t know how to be the type of person I want to become without losing the parts of me that make me happy.